A Note on Grief

We all get touched by grief in our lives, often many times over, and with many different facets. It may be the loss of a family member or friend, a miscarriage or losing your child. Grief is not restricted to the end of a life, it can also be the end of a relationship or friendship, resigning or losing your job, burning out, becoming a parent and the loss of your identity as you become Mum or Dad, or it could be moving interstate or countries. It can also be a medical diagnosis for either yourself or a loved one, e.g. infertility, an autoimmune condition, cancer or dementia. Grief can be defined as an experience of loss which involves a range of emotions including: fear, anger, despair, sadness, sorrow, apathy or numbness.

Any big change may bring grief, and it is important to remember to be kind to ourselves. My Nan recently passed and it has reminded me that life is a miracle yet it’s also the most challenging thing we will ever do.

There is no right way to do grief. Everyone will grieve differently, even when the loss is a shared experience. It is a melting pot of emotions and experiences, coming and going in waves, rather than a formalised step by step process. Grief tears a person apart then puts them back together in a new formation. It is a very private thing and often people don’t want to burden others with their loss.

Loving care is the best thing for grief. It is generally easy for us to provide this for those we care for, but we also need to apply this to ourselves. Remember it is within your ability to be able to practice self-compassion and not judge yourself for the way you are feeling. The more you are able to sit with your grief the faster you are able to work through discomfort.

There are different stages of grief.

·       The first 6 months, and up to approx. 2 years, is the acute stage where the impacts are physically felt in the body, especially in the first 6 weeks to 6 months.

·       After 6 months the body starts to physically calm down, this is not a return to “normal” but an adaptation to life as it is now

·       Eventually the grief becomes integrated where it is part of your life but it doesn’t define you and you can move on with your life. This can take much longer than a year.

Grief causes physiological changes in the body. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, can remain elevated for at least the first 6 months of bereavement. This may look like any of the following symptoms:

·       Insomnia

·       Extreme fatigue

·       Loss of pleasure/happiness/excitement

·       Withdrawing from your usual activities

·       Loss of appetite and/or nausea

·       Constipation or diarrhoea

·       Loss of sex drive

·       Muscle pain

·       Headaches

·       Heart palpitations

·       Shortness of breath

·       Need to drink alcohol, use recreational drugs, and/or use caffeine to get through the day

Emotionally it can look like:

·       A rollercoaster (rage, helplessness, fear, deep sadness)

·       Feeling completely numb

·       Never talking about the loss/event

·       Memory loss

·       Ruminating thoughts

·       It is also common to feel ashamed when you are struggling with grief

Implementing self-care practices helps to reduce cortisol by creating new neural pathways assisting with the grieving process and supports your way into a new way of being. Have a friend or family member be your accountability buddy to remind you to take care of yourself, even though I am a Naturopath I often forget to utilise these tools and herbs or supplements for support during times of grief until friends gently remind me of the importance of self-care.

Ways to support the grieving process:

·       Establishing a routine for daily living. Recognise life is now different, there might be a new routine and try not to berate yourself when you are not “perfect”. Do you best to maintain personal hygiene, medical care, healthy nutrition and sleep.

·       Reconnect with your body through exercise, yoga, Tai Chi or expressive arts/dance. Movement as therapy is effective for calming the body as you move feelings and emotions through your body. Even if all you can do is put on your favourite music and sway you will still benefit greatly.

·       Your brain might need time to heal, forgive yourself when you make mistakes, become distracted, can’t remember or understand something.

·       Avoid excessive use of alcohol, tobacco, recreational drugs and caffeine as coping mechanisms. Grief is a physical experience and needs to run its course.

·       Recognise and label your feelings by viewing them as a message rather than something to avoid. When you accept and deal with the emotions rather than fighting them, you are better able to handle them.

·       It’s ok to allow yourself to pursue and feel positive emotions such as compassion, gratitude, love, joy, awe and hope.

·       Utilising tools like deep breathing, prayer or other practices you have to help regulate strong emotions

·       Find a way to express difficult feelings. It may be through writing or talking to someone. Journaling can be helpful for some, writing down what is going through your mind then burning it works for others (fire bans permitting), or it could be through being creative with crafting, dance or music.

·       Humour is another way that can help us cope. Watch funny movies or read funny books. You can laugh or you may cry but know that you are still capable of joy.

·      Some days you may feel totally helpless and like you will never be “normal” again, feeling like you are wading through a thick swamp. What you can do on these days is ask yourself what am I doing right or well? Recognise your wins and celebrate them, even if it was just getting the laundry done.

·       Get outside in nature. Forest bathing studies in Japan have found the heart rate changes within 7 minutes, which helps to reduce the stress hormone cortisol. Can you spend time outside, it might be in the garden, at your local park, even if its just for 10 minutes to sit and feel the sun on your skin, listen to the birds or look at the pattern of the bark on a tree.

·       Anger can be a protective mechanism to avoid feeling the deep emotions and it can sometimes occur because you really need to cry. It is important to let the anger out. Exercise is a great way to let out anger and get it to move through the body. Examples include HIIT (high intensity interval training), boxing, running or brisk walking/hiking. After the anger starts to shift sadness may follow. This is a perfectly acceptable response, please allow the sadness to bubble up.

·       Reaching out to a health professional or grief counsellor

It is important to recognise that some days you may feel like you will never be “normal” again but there eventually comes a day where life starts to feel a little lighter again, and you find yourself smiling again. Grief comes in waves, and in the process, you may also feel like a pendulum swinging back and forth, from feeling like you are doing ok and somehow coping, to then feeling utterly hopeless, lost or numb. Acknowledge this, remember it’s ok, practice self-compassion and eventually you will find equilibrium.

The type of treatment you choose is not important, it’s the showing up and following through that creates momentum and change to support your journey with grief. Most importantly grief is a one step at a time journey. It’s ok to be frustrated. Slow and steady is the way to go, celebrating progress not perfection and remember its ok to ask for help.